It’s pretty much common knowledge: Harry Potter is the chosen one and we all should love him and bring him gifts of awesomeness and Barnes and Noble gift cards, should we not? In a word, NO.
Because for all his brilliance and sexiness (meh), Harry is rather overrated. The Potters in general are overrated, we think. So here’s 11 reasons why the Malfoys are just better than the sniveling chosen boy and his dead parents. Of course, all statements were heavily debated between us two writers.
[WARNING: A bit of a plot point revealed for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child in #10]
1.Draco is one of the first students to make an offer of friendship to Harry. He knows his family wouldn’t approve, but he does it anyway. He knows that the friendship could turn out well for both of them.
Hermione: OOoooh kay. This is RATHER sugar coated. Because before he has his whole staring-into-the-mirror-I-am-a-bad-person drama, Draco is really a little butt. And he’s in it for himself, because of his terrible up-bringing. But still, Clara! You make him sound like a fluffy little bunny!!! The REAL 1.) is DRACO HAS BETTER HAIR. Shallow, but TRUE.
Clara: Draco is not like a bunny. He is more like a little puppy. And his hair is legit. But really, is how he was raised his fault?!
Hermione: Well, parents aren’t everything. Snow White was raised by an evil enchantress and she still was stupid enough to move into a hut with 13 slobby midgets!
Clara: But she had the squirrels. Draco didn’t have any pets… Besides Dobby >:)
2. Draco is unfairly targeted by Harry and Ron. For a boy of twelve, he shows remarkable discipline in not physically fighting them (which is what Harry probably wants). He restrains himself and is a better person for it.
Hermione: Ahhhh, you poor deluded little Ravenclaw. THAT IS NOT THE SLYTHERIN WAY. Draco restrained from wailing on Perfect Potter not because he was some noble little twit, saying “OH NO, THAT WOULD BE WRONG.” No, it would be illogical and unnecessary for him to start random fights and would not benefit him in ANY way.
Clara: I know that Draco would rather insult Harry than hit him, but even Slithering idiots like you have the urge to punch people sometimes. HMMMMMMM?????
Hermione: Like you. RIGHT NOW. I will take you down sista.
3. How they all treated Hermione in The Philosopher’s Stone (we’re going British here, chums). Harry and Ron are especially mean to Hermione in the first bit of book #1 while Draco doesn’t bother her until she makes friends with Harry and Ron. You can tell he only does this to make Harry angry; he has no real dislike for her as Harry and Ron did.
Hermione: I DISAGREE. Hermione is not some antisocial bookish introvert. She likes to be out there, she likes to be in charge, she likes to be RIGHT, even if she has to get loud about it. So of course Draco would notice her. And of course he would still dislike her. She’s a Mudblood!!!
Clara: That might be, but he wouldn’t have become obsessed with it or called her “Mudblood.” As you said, that’s not logical. And plus, I have friends who ship them so watch what you say lady.
Hermione: OOOHhhhhh the Draomine shippers!!! And you know nothing of logic, you ignorant twit. (someone please get me a Sherlock gif of exasperated Sherly reacting to some idiot because that’s how I feel now toward you CLARA)
4. The whole Chamber of Secrets drama. Harry goes poking around and causing problems, and then blames it all on Draco, simply because of who his father is. And of course Harry gets away with murder because he’s the Chosen One.
Hermione: Well, Harry’s not in Ravenclaw for a reason. (In a Harry-ish voice): “Oh bother! My pudding burnt! Blame Malfoy!” “Oh dear! Hagrid brutally killed someone! Blame Malfoy!” So of course he’d think Malfoy is the great, evil, Slytherin chosen one.
Clara: Hear, Hear!
5. On the astronomy tower when Snape kills Dumbledore– Draco has been ordered to kill someone. His whole family is pushing him to do it, but he can’t. This is not cowardly, but rather Draco showing that he is a good person inside.
Hermione: Well, I’ll just say that if I had been standing there I would have STRUCK THE DUMBLE DOWN.
Clara: I imagine that Draco felt the same way, especially how the Dumble favored Harry…. Again showing his strength of character.
Hermione: Reason Number 394 million why SNAPE is better than Dumbledore. Yes, Clara, as you just helpfully mentioned off-screen, I DO have a lot of angst for Dumbledore.
6. Parents. Lilly and James were not ideal. James bullied Snape because he was jealous of his friendship with Lilly. Instead of standing up for Snape, Lilly became friends with James, and later married him, leaving Snape to die.
Hermione: Yes, but I do still ship Jily over Snily. Just sayin’.
Clara: Snily all the way. Who doesn’t love stalker relationships? AAAAALLLLWWWWAAAAYYYYYAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!!!
7. NAMES. WHAT sort of name is “Albus Severus”?! No wonder the poor dear becomes the Cursed Child. The Malfoys have interesting names, derived from constellations and adaptations of cool adjectives. “Scorpius Hyperion”? That’ll work JUST fine.
Clara: So Draco names his son after a star pattern in the sky, and Harry names his son after two men who both tried to kill him. Speaking of names, shouldn’t Harry name his kids after Hagrid and Remus? I mean he barley even knew James and Lilly, and Sirius was a convict. Badly done Potter, badly done indeed.
Hermione: Though Sirius was a hot, wrongly-accused, precious little convict…but sure.
8. How he says “Potter”. Ahhhh, so adorable.
9. The Malfoys just walk with swagger.
10. The Malfoys have interesting relatives. Such as…Bellatrix. And her husband and her illegitimate half-snake daughter. Yay!
Clara: Although I do feel obligated to point out that the Malfoys probably wouldn’t include the Lestranges in any sort of family activity. They’re trying to help their social status, not destroy it.
Hermione: Erm…maybe. Though, Bellatrix is dead, sooooo…. Also she and Narcissa were sisters, and sisters wouldn’t do something awful like shun one another?!
Clara: So, basically what happened to Andromeda after she married Ted Tonks?
Hermione: Yes. True. Well, actually, I was thinking more about US, but no matter.
11. The Malfoys (or more accurately NARCISSA) were the reason that Voldemort was defeated, Harry survived, and everyone ended up happy and not dead. Would Lilly have stooped to save Draco??? We know how she feels about Slytherins….
Clara: Sad, but true. Narcissa could have told Lord Voldey that Harry was alive, but she didn’t!!! She wanted to know if Draco was okay. And I don’t think she could have made herself kill a child. We all know what Lilly would have done:“Lord Voooldeeemoooort! The sniveling Slytherin snot is ALIVE!!! Kill him already!”
Hermione: That is truly a frightening thought. Lilly working for Voldemort???!! Naw, she’s too much of a Gryffindor. But maybe, if Dumbledore truly went all out for “The Greater Good” and turned evil, maybe in some parallel universe…. Lilly would have totally murdered for him!
Clara: #thinkonthis…… Dumbledore is really a Slytherin. But he’s biased towards Gryffindor because he’s trying to find the Gryffindor inside himself. OOOOHHHH SNAP.
Hermione: Hmmm. HMMMM. I like it.
12. Draco made an adorable ferret. Beat that, Potter!
Do you agree with us, or is your inner Gryffindor howling for our immediate banishment? Who’s your favorite Harry Potter character? And to cheer everyone up, here’s a cute gif of little Harry being little and Harry-ish.